Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

My Stuart Smalley moment

In a little more than eight years, I’ve written 502 posts. Now 503. About five a month. Not a very high average. But, for some unknown reason, I can’t seem to let this space go. It’s not about trying to draw in readers; it’s about trying to find my voice.I still have no idea what that is.

When I started writing here, I guess it was a break up blog. Then it was a stupidly get back together with the guy who was behind all of the initial pain and try to put bandages on the compound fractures of the relationship with cute little posts about kitten breath blog. Then it was a break up blog again, with less moaning and wailing.

And for a while it was a just happy to be alive and writing blog. Until it became a dating blog. Which, of course, returned us to the original format…break up blog.

If I were more consistent about writing recently, I guess we’d be back to dating blog but I’m so freaked out that the dating stuff will just lead back to the break up stuff and my poor blog and I will be stuck in an infinite loop of awkward conversations and gut wrenching sobs.

Which begs the question, do I give up dating? Or do I give up writing?

There were brief spurts of attempted humor as well. Some weren’t half bad. But most had one consistent theme. Self-deprecation. It’s my go to. For unknown reasons, my fall back humor is the kind that makes the audience laugh and then make then awwwww face. I guess it could be tied to self-esteem, except that I generally feel pretty damn good about who I am, finally, but I’m so used to saying negative things about myself that I find it difficult to stop.

And the self-deprecation goes hand in hand with the angst. It seems funnier to me somehow if I turn the negative results of a relationship back on myself. But it’s not really that funny. Since I started this site, I’ve loved two men deeply and I was destroyed both times. Trying to make a joke out of that, especially at my own expense, is not going to change the results or my outlook on the future.

So, I guess I’ll keep writing without any expectation of some sort of blog theme developing. If it ever does, it will happen organically. And if it already has and this is indeed a dating/break up blog, I’ll try to keep it entertaining. At someone else’s expense.

Showing my privates

I’ve spent a few minutes browsing through some of my more “recent” posts and I reread Spring Cleaning, to which I cried, “bullshit”!

I wrote it in an effort to conceal that I was still hurting from the break up, as a proactive mask in the off chance that the guy I had recently met would find my blog. But none of it was real. I wasn’t over it. And I wasn’t in a new “relationship”. But I wanted to be both and so I changed the visibility of 30 break up related posts from public to private.

I censored myself which is I something that I had never wanted to do on this site. Which is not to imply that I just vomit every thought onto my keyboard. I (usually) think through my posts and determine what I am and am not willing to share. I will admit to a couple of knee jerk posts here and there, but I don’t want to feel shame or regret for being a human person, so I had always let them stand, until last May.

And so I have decided to flash my privates to the world! I have returned all posts to public visibility and now every post ever written over the past eight years is here for the world to see. Some are clever, some are depressing, and most are pointless to anyone but me. But who cares? This is my space and I will not concern myself in the future with who might read what and how that might affect their opinion of me.

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a post.

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I had for a time forgotten I have a blog. The name Bandick had escaped me, although it is on my driver’s license. I had lost my desire to be creative in any form.

But for some reason, although the weather is turning gray and the daylight is diminishing, my spark is returning.

It started with some yarn and a pair of knitting needles. Before I knew it, I was half way through a scarf. I can’t knit anything other than straight lines, so I am relegated to scarves and blankets. But it was enough to remind me that I NEED a creative outlet.

Much of my life is as it was in May. Still unemployed. Still (again) single; more on that later. Still healing in some ways. However, all of my windows were cleaned and all of my bushes and trees were pruned in a timely manner this year. As if to say my windows had been washed any time in the past several years…they had not.

It struck me yesterday that my life had become too organized and that my creativity was suffering as a consequence. So bear with me while I attempt to organize my thoughts and feelings into tidy little sentences and paragraphs in this poor neglected space.

I’m not going to make any great proclamations about how often I will be posting, particularly since I don’t believe anyone still checks in here, but I do hope to reconnect with writing in some meaningful way. Starting now.

Spring cleaning

Things have been changing in my life and where in the past I would have wanted to post about them here, I haven’t wanted to even open this site. The knowledge that all of the ugly break up posts were sitting here waiting for me was too much to handle.

I wrote in such detail about my sucker punch to the heart last year, but now I don’t like the idea of sharing MY SPACE with that ugliness. I’m happy and don’t want to wallow in the pain of my past.

So, I’m in the process of changing many of my past posts from public to private. I just need that recovery phase of my life to be mine alone, should I ever need to revisit it. Please forgive me if you offered up any wisdom in the form of comments that has now disappeared. But know that I appreciated your support when it was needed.

Thankfully, it’s no longer necessary.

I’m still on the job hunt, but the broken heart has healed and I’m pretty much at a place of forgiveness and peace. I hope that the Baron is able to figure himself out someday and I honestly hope that he can find happiness.

As for me, I have a new friend who I am enjoying getting to know slowly. And I will be keeping that part of my life private. As it should be.

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