Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

Is this the end of bandick?

I believe I have slept about 55 of the last 72 hours. The puking seems to have stopped but the blinding headache remains.

Is this a bug? Is it a reaction to the anti-anxiety meds? Is it my broken heart taking over my physical health?

I’ll be heading for urgent care tomorrow morning. Tonight I’m focused on bathing and trying to gag down a little food. And staying awake until at least 8:00.


I will warn you, this post may include a lot of CAPS AND PUNCTUATION!!!!!

I’m currently in lovely southern California. It’s beautiful and sunny and sort of smoggy and WARM.

I should be so happy to be away from the freezing rain they’re currently having in Minnesota. But I’m stuck in recycling mode.

This is a trip I always wanted to make with the Baron. WHERE IS HE??? WHY DO I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM??? WHY CAN’T I LET HIM GO???

I still think of a hundred reasons to contact him every day.

I want to text him, but I’m TOO STUBBORN to beg him to love me.

I want to call him, but I’m TOO PROUD to let him hear my weakness.

I want to see him, but I’m TOO FRAGILE for him to know he had broken me so completely.

So, really, someone please tell me…

Thank you, spam commenter!

This was in my spam folder today, and I think there may be a lesson here:

The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesn’t disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought you’d have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you weren’t too busy looking for attention.

Amen to that, spammy.

How much is too much?

I’ve been working HARD to get centered.

But today I am exhausted.

I’m tired of trying to figure myself out. I’m tired of trying to get to my core. I’m tired of trying to figure out if I’m broken.

Why am I working so hard when most of the world gets by day to day without ever doing this kind of work?

Am I really becoming a better person? Or am I just trying to fill the Baron hole with distractions?

On the upside

…someday I’ll be dead and none of this work and relationship bullshit will mean anything.

Don’t call a hotline on my behalf. Just trying to get some perspective here.

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