*If it’s 3:00 in the morning, and you’re watching “Juvies” on MTV, it’s probably okay to go ahead and go into work.
* If this kid thinks her dog is talking to her, she’s smoking more than weed.
*At a certain point in the day, the office kitchen starts to smell like cat food.
* Heating up broccoli doesn’t help the cat food smell. Or having smoked salmon on cream cheese crackers. Or drinking pomegranate and blueberry tea. I have to be very sneaky so the co-workers don’t catch on that I am responsible for 75% of the cat food smell.
* The pills I’m taking to try to relax my twisty colon have dazed and confused my bladder. It’s functioning like a tap with no water pressure. Resulting in the 5 minute long Austin Powers pee, EVERY TIME.
* If you are going to let little pooters slip, remain in your stall until I have washed my hands and exited the bathroom. Don’t make things all weird by coming out and washing your hands, too. We both know I heard you. And that is fine. As long as you remain anonymous.
* I think my 5th grade teacher was perpetually sleep deprived because I can’t help but notice how much I sound like her every time I open my mouth today. I just launched a fifteen minute diatribe just to tell someone I agreed with them. I agreed like this. And like that. And like this. And, uh…I need sleep.