Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

Category Archives: journal

Showing my privates

I’ve spent a few minutes browsing through some of my more “recent” posts and I reread Spring Cleaning, to which I cried, “bullshit”!

I wrote it in an effort to conceal that I was still hurting from the break up, as a proactive mask in the off chance that the guy I had recently met would find my blog. But none of it was real. I wasn’t over it. And I wasn’t in a new “relationship”. But I wanted to be both and so I changed the visibility of 30 break up related posts from public to private.

I censored myself which is I something that I had never wanted to do on this site. Which is not to imply that I just vomit every thought onto my keyboard. I (usually) think through my posts and determine what I am and am not willing to share. I will admit to a couple of knee jerk posts here and there, but I don’t want to feel shame or regret for being a human person, so I had always let them stand, until last May.

And so I have decided to flash my privates to the world! I have returned all posts to public visibility and now every post ever written over the past eight years is here for the world to see. Some are clever, some are depressing, and most are pointless to anyone but me. But who cares? This is my space and I will not concern myself in the future with who might read what and how that might affect their opinion of me.

Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a post.

The clean slate club

As much as I have tried to dig my heels in and keep change out of my life recently, I have to accept that some change is inevitable.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought the unexpected change of losing the Baron might break me. So, I made the naïve plan to avoid major change for at least six months. Unfortunately, that’s not really the way the world works.

It’s the second month of 2012 and I am single and unemployed.

In retrospect, I’m really not sure how any of this happened. They say that things become clearer from a distance, but that is not my experience. At least not yet.

But, as sad as I was to have resigned from a company that I had been with for ten years (and for which I still hold a great deal of respect), I believe that it was a move I needed to make in order to clear the path for something new.

My life is on a completely new trajectory and I am holding out hope that all of my recent changes will become the starting point of a more fulfilled life, that is guided by (and not reacted to) by me.

As a member of the clean slate club, I feel that dessert is in order.

Is this the end of bandick?

I believe I have slept about 55 of the last 72 hours. The puking seems to have stopped but the blinding headache remains.

Is this a bug? Is it a reaction to the anti-anxiety meds? Is it my broken heart taking over my physical health?

I’ll be heading for urgent care tomorrow morning. Tonight I’m focused on bathing and trying to gag down a little food. And staying awake until at least 8:00.

How much is too much?

I’ve been working HARD to get centered.

But today I am exhausted.

I’m tired of trying to figure myself out. I’m tired of trying to get to my core. I’m tired of trying to figure out if I’m broken.

Why am I working so hard when most of the world gets by day to day without ever doing this kind of work?

Am I really becoming a better person? Or am I just trying to fill the Baron hole with distractions?

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