Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

Everything’s coming up bandick

I’m super stoked and my fingers are flying across the keyboard and I’m probably gonna drop the eff bomb a whole bunch, so look out!

Finally. FINALLY. Things have ticked back into the awesome category.

October 9 marks two years since d-day with the baron, which was absolutely the most devastating day of my life. I feel so overly dramatic making that statement, but it’s the truth. I felt shell shocked for months (and a little covered in the residue until this summer). I was on the brink of total destruction that October. Four months later, my job blew up and the char on my spirit was complete. I was a pile of ash.

I knew, I have always known, that life is change and when it feels like the bottom, there’s nothing to do but climb. I wasn’t ready to climb then, so I just clung to the bottom of the ladder and tried to stay optimistic; to let my eyes gloss over and paste the smile on when people told me how strong I was being.

But I didn’t feel strong. I felt hollow and lost. And frozen. I was scared of making any decisions. I’d chosen a man who’d made a conscious decision to hurt me, day after day, for 18 months. And I’d chosen a career path that led me to a place where 10 years of dedication turned out to be nothing compared to the whim of someone in a superior position.

Now I believe that being frozen was the only thing that shielded me from the chaos. I learned how to not make decisions. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to be patient and calm in the world. And then I learned how to rock it out and land a kick ass job that makes me want to shout, FUCK YEAH! And I learned how to let men enter my life without shifting the focus from myself. Some have floated around as background noise for a while and some are brand new, but all are reminders that I am not a pile of ash.

I’m a mother-fucking Phoenix.

The clean slate club

As much as I have tried to dig my heels in and keep change out of my life recently, I have to accept that some change is inevitable.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought the unexpected change of losing the Baron might break me. So, I made the naïve plan to avoid major change for at least six months. Unfortunately, that’s not really the way the world works.

It’s the second month of 2012 and I am single and unemployed.

In retrospect, I’m really not sure how any of this happened. They say that things become clearer from a distance, but that is not my experience. At least not yet.

But, as sad as I was to have resigned from a company that I had been with for ten years (and for which I still hold a great deal of respect), I believe that it was a move I needed to make in order to clear the path for something new.

My life is on a completely new trajectory and I am holding out hope that all of my recent changes will become the starting point of a more fulfilled life, that is guided by (and not reacted to) by me.

As a member of the clean slate club, I feel that dessert is in order.

Dancing with the Stars

I’ve been interviewing for a new position in my company’s Learning & Development department for the past five weeks and somehow I’ve made it through round after round.

Yesterday was round three and this morning I found out that I’m going to the fourth and final round on Monday.

So, don’t forget to vote for me. Text “Jammer” to 999-555-HIRE!

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