In a little more than eight years, I’ve written 502 posts. Now 503. About five a month. Not a very high average. But, for some unknown reason, I can’t seem to let this space go. It’s not about trying to draw in readers; it’s about trying to find my voice.I still have no idea what that is.
When I started writing here, I guess it was a break up blog. Then it was a stupidly get back together with the guy who was behind all of the initial pain and try to put bandages on the compound fractures of the relationship with cute little posts about kitten breath blog. Then it was a break up blog again, with less moaning and wailing.
And for a while it was a just happy to be alive and writing blog. Until it became a dating blog. Which, of course, returned us to the original format…break up blog.
If I were more consistent about writing recently, I guess we’d be back to dating blog but I’m so freaked out that the dating stuff will just lead back to the break up stuff and my poor blog and I will be stuck in an infinite loop of awkward conversations and gut wrenching sobs.
Which begs the question, do I give up dating? Or do I give up writing?
There were brief spurts of attempted humor as well. Some weren’t half bad. But most had one consistent theme. Self-deprecation. It’s my go to. For unknown reasons, my fall back humor is the kind that makes the audience laugh and then make then awwwww face. I guess it could be tied to self-esteem, except that I generally feel pretty damn good about who I am, finally, but I’m so used to saying negative things about myself that I find it difficult to stop.
And the self-deprecation goes hand in hand with the angst. It seems funnier to me somehow if I turn the negative results of a relationship back on myself. But it’s not really that funny. Since I started this site, I’ve loved two men deeply and I was destroyed both times. Trying to make a joke out of that, especially at my own expense, is not going to change the results or my outlook on the future.
So, I guess I’ll keep writing without any expectation of some sort of blog theme developing. If it ever does, it will happen organically. And if it already has and this is indeed a dating/break up blog, I’ll try to keep it entertaining. At someone else’s expense.