Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

The clean slate club

As much as I have tried to dig my heels in and keep change out of my life recently, I have to accept that some change is inevitable.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I thought the unexpected change of losing the Baron might break me. So, I made the naïve plan to avoid major change for at least six months. Unfortunately, that’s not really the way the world works.

It’s the second month of 2012 and I am single and unemployed.

In retrospect, I’m really not sure how any of this happened. They say that things become clearer from a distance, but that is not my experience. At least not yet.

But, as sad as I was to have resigned from a company that I had been with for ten years (and for which I still hold a great deal of respect), I believe that it was a move I needed to make in order to clear the path for something new.

My life is on a completely new trajectory and I am holding out hope that all of my recent changes will become the starting point of a more fulfilled life, that is guided by (and not reacted to) by me.

As a member of the clean slate club, I feel that dessert is in order.


I will warn you, this post may include a lot of CAPS AND PUNCTUATION!!!!!

I’m currently in lovely southern California. It’s beautiful and sunny and sort of smoggy and WARM.

I should be so happy to be away from the freezing rain they’re currently having in Minnesota. But I’m stuck in recycling mode.

This is a trip I always wanted to make with the Baron. WHERE IS HE??? WHY DO I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM??? WHY CAN’T I LET HIM GO???

I still think of a hundred reasons to contact him every day.

I want to text him, but I’m TOO STUBBORN to beg him to love me.

I want to call him, but I’m TOO PROUD to let him hear my weakness.

I want to see him, but I’m TOO FRAGILE for him to know he had broken me so completely.

So, really, someone please tell me…

How much is too much?

I’ve been working HARD to get centered.

But today I am exhausted.

I’m tired of trying to figure myself out. I’m tired of trying to get to my core. I’m tired of trying to figure out if I’m broken.

Why am I working so hard when most of the world gets by day to day without ever doing this kind of work?

Am I really becoming a better person? Or am I just trying to fill the Baron hole with distractions?

Here’s hoping the drugs kick in soon

The biggest problem with living alone is that there’s no one else around to pick up the slack when things fall apart.

My house is beyond neglected. The critters are getting by on the bare minimum of daily scritches. And I’m still eating a diet of primarily peanut butter and jelly.

I’m not completely alone, I have great support from my family. But I need to figure out how to take a step forward. I can’t start healing until I get to the point where I’m not simply surviving.

Until then, I’m just looking past the grime…and wondering when the producers of ‘Hoarders’ will be showing up on my doorstep.

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