I’ve been on a nearly daily cycle of tippy-top peaks and rock bottom lows of motivation over the past few months. There are days when I can barely pull myself out of bed in the morning and others when I spring out going 70 mph. There are manic days of bouncing around the house, submitting job applications and socializing with friends, all while scrubbing the floors and walking the dog. There are other days spent on the couch reading Game of Thrones for 12 hours straight.
Mostly, it boils down to days of optimism and days of pessimism.
There are days, sometimes weeks, when I understand that this cannot last. It is not possible that I will never work again. It is not possible that I will never be in love again. In those times, I understand that it’s a numbers game and eventually my number will come up. And then there are the days when I feel totally and utterly rejected.
The thing I struggle with the most is the feeling of “deserving”. I wonder if feeling like I “deserve” something makes me a selfish person. But I feel like I deserve better than what I’ve had in the last year and a half. I just do. I understand that bad things happen to good people; just as I clearly understand that good things happen to bad people (the Baron seems to be experiencing quite the wave of good luck). I’m okay with having my stretch of the bad things.
BUT HOW FUCKING LONG CAN THE BAD STRETCH GO ON???
One thing I have learned is that you have to have some pretty high self-esteem to handle the job search and dating at the same time. There is no better way to feel universally rejected than by doing both simultaneously. It actually makes me wonder a bit about what is wrong with the men who aren’t rejecting me. How did they not get the memo that everyone else got?
I am trying to stay positive. I really am. I don’t want to get stuck here.
I know I’m kick ass. I just can’t remember how I used to make other people think that, too…?