Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

Devastation diet, continued

What is it about this processing, grieving period that makes me absolutely nauseous? Even on days when I’m feeling a bit better, like today, I still have the feeling that I could get sick any moment. It’s that feeling like you know you’re going to be sick and you’re fighting with everything you’ve got to keep it in. I think that may be why I want to lie down so much right now. I’m just trying to breathe through the constant crashing waves of nausea.

This of course makes eating very difficult. It’s been 2-1/2 weeks and I’m probably only consuming six to seven hundred calories on any given day. Much less on a bad day and up to maybe 1,000 on a pretty good day. I know that I should try to push through, but I just can’t seem to get there. I’m not even remotely interested in all of the sweets that have been floating through the office over the past few days, and I LOVE sweets. It’s actually at the point where the smell of most food, including yummy, yummy doughnuts just makes me have to leave the room.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my cousin. I thought it would be good to try to push myself to eat a normal meal (i.e., not blended food like a smoothie), so I ordered spaghetti. Sounded like a safe bet. Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying attention to the description and when it came out I thought I’d pass out from the smell of the rich, creamy dish. I had it boxed and ordered an egg salad sandwich, of which I did manage to eat half.

I’m not complaining about being able to better fit into my clothes, and I accept that my body will recover at its own pace. But the worst part about not eating is that I’m cold. All the time. I just hope the appetite returns, if only a bit, before we delve into the depths of winter.

Now people are watching

I opened my big mouth and started a weight loss competition with some women in my department.

I’m feeling pretty good, but we’re only a week in. Technically, I’m five days in since I did my initial weigh in last Wednesday because I was out of the office Monday and Tuesday.

No one here seems very competitive, which kind of takes some of the fun out of a competition, so I’m gonna have to keep my competitive nature on the DL and just compete against myself (until final weigh in). I really want to rock this out and get a handle on this, regardless of the fact that the Baron and I are still in dating mode which is a killer on the waistline.

I’ll keep updating the stats in the About section to keep track. And I promise to post my (headless) before and after photos mid-May, regardless of my results. That’s another motivator to do well…who wants to post an after photo that doesn’t look like an after!?!

Back at it

I fell off the wagon and into a bucket of ice cream. For several months. But I was really sick the week before Christmas, still not quite back up to full speed, and when I was thinking of food that I had in the house that might be suitable to eat, none of it was. It was all processed and sugar-laden.

Aside from being 30 pounds heavier than I should be, I’m going backward with my IBS. I’m not eating fiber and that just causes problems across the board.

I’ve rejoined Weight Watchers online and once things calm down with the holidays and I settle into the new job, I’ll start going to the Wednesday lunch meeting again.

I’m trying to find the balance between obsessing and ignoring. But I feel ready to focus on myself again.

Still livin’ large

A comment from my favorite pickle on an old post reminded me that at one time this year, I was attempting to lose weight. I lost a chunk (literally), about ten pounds.

The sad news is that I gained back every pound that I had lost. I canceled the WW membership because I got to a time where I realized my heart just wasn’t in it. It felt really great to lose the weight, but it felt really bad when I didn’t. And I decided that I’m not going to join the camp of people who obsess about their weight. Or more accurately, I’m going to leave that camp.

I recognize that I’m heavier now than I have been in a very long time, but on the upside, I know that it’s because I’m too content. I’m literally fat and happy. But I know it can’t last and my body is getting grumpy because I haven’t been moving enough, and I’ve been eating too much sugar.

The Baron is gone on business until next Wednesday, so I’ve ditched all of the Halloween candy and have been thinking heavily on the food choices I used to make compared with those I have been making lately.

Today’s not the first day of anything. No proclamations or goals. But, I will swing by the store tonight and pick up some fish and cauli/broccoli for dinner. And my body will thank me.

LIVE! LOVE! and lose, if that’s the natural result of the first two…

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