Still passing the open windows and falling down the stairs

NaBloPoMo – Day 30, Post 1

I can’t believe it’s the last day of November.

I completed NaBloPoMo. Granted, it was primarily just whining about my poor broken heart, but I managed to find enough focus to get the thoughts into my blog on days when I couldn’t even get a bite of food into my mouth.

Novemeber also marks the first full calendar month Baronless. I’m starting to get past the obsessive thoughts about what we would have been doing if we were still together, or what we were doing this time of year last year or the year before, but all in all, the holiday season hasn’t been as bad as anticipated. For the most part, I’ve been able to avoid most of the holiday flurry and I have been able to stay in a normal day bubble.

I’m intending to continue to write daily, even though I don’t have the NaBloPoMo committment to keep me on task. But for my own sanity, I’m really going to try to focus on remembering that there is a whole world outside of this grief and maybe write a little bit about it.

To that end, I am beginning a writing group (only one other member currently, but we’re about to take off, I’m sure). I’m hoping for at least two meetings a month to bring each other inspiration and encouragement. I hope that this sweet little blog will be the beneficiary of some reclaimed creativity.

November, thank you.
December, look out.

NaBloPoMo – Day 29, Post 1

I’m still struggling with sleep. I have only had a hand full of nights with decent sleep in the past 7-1/2 weeks and most of them were sponsored by melatonin.

Ahhh…melatonin. The herb I love to hate.

I am usually groggy the day after a melatonin sleep and sometimes I feel a little checked out. It used to be completely worth the trade to just be able to stop the maddening processing upon which my brain insists.

But for the past few nights, the melatonin seems to have amplified that processing. I have been having the most vivid dreams about the Baron. These seem to be extensions of the dreams I was having right after the break up; the dreams in which I was searching frantically for him. The ones in which he was so relieved to be found.

Now the dreams are different. At first, he’s still happy to see me, although I’m not searching quite as frantically, but then he changes. He’s not happy to see me at all and he can’t understand why I was even looking for him.

Then he gets mad and asks me to leave. I start to sob, and that’s when I wake up. This morning, I was actually crying when I woke up.

I’m trying to decide now whether I should skip the melatonin and take my chances with not sleeping or risk it and see what happens next in the dream-saga.

I understand that my brain is trying to heal a trauma, but fuck am I tired of it.

NaBloPoMo – Day 28, Post 1

With the help of my web-bro-ster, I’ve recently spiffed up the joint a bit. For the most part, I like the changes, which is good because I’m not embracing all change lately.

One thing that I’ve done is try clean up my category tagging a bit. I’ve just started, but in my tidying I’ve found an entire category that I had made private.

The Heartbreaker was probably one of my first categories and we broke up and reunited several times before I agreed to remove any posts concerning broken heart or spastic colons.

At that point, the Heartbreaker became known as PJ McFuzzybottom. After we split for the last time, I removed that category as well.

But I am now reclaiming all of the posts that made this blog what it was in 2004.

McFuzzybottom is a category again and it’s a little bit saving my sanity right now. If you had asked me a month ago if I’d ever been truly broken hearted, I would have said, “probably not”.

That is the gift of time. Rereading the old posts reminds me that I was TERRIBLY broken hearted. Still, nothing compares to the shock of the emd of my relationship with the Baron, but at least I know that time will eventually dull these sharp memories.

The anxiety will eventually subside and I will forget how every morning felt like a sucker-punch to the heart after having had ONE MORE DREAM about loving him so much.

I’m so grateful to have this space for a little cyber-journaling, but also for quick access to my past. It helps me see my future with much more clarity.

NaBloPoMo – Day 27, Post 1

The grey and dark of late autumn is settling in.

When the Baron and I split in early October, I was worried about how I would survive the long Minnesota winter with this grief. I wanted sun and warmth to raise my spirits. I didn’t want to feel trapped in the sadness of the season.

I discussed this with my (very wise) cousin on one of our lunchtime walks and he helped me recognize how lucky I am to have the winter to heal.

Winter is about renewal. It is a season to focus our energy on the core of our beings and rebuild areas that have been damaged or neglected. And I am lucky to not have wasted a wonderful summer wallowing in my bedroom.

I am allowing myself six months to focus only on healing and planning for the future. In those six months (4-1/2 left), I will not act on anything that will take the focus off of myself.

In the spring, I will begin the scary but exciting steps of moving forward with the plans I’m making in the stillness of this season.

So, I’m going to embrace this grey and dark time in my life knowing that the growth of spring has already begun.

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