I’m super stoked and my fingers are flying across the keyboard and I’m probably gonna drop the eff bomb a whole bunch, so look out!
Finally. FINALLY. Things have ticked back into the awesome category.
October 9 marks two years since d-day with the baron, which was absolutely the most devastating day of my life. I feel so overly dramatic making that statement, but it’s the truth. I felt shell shocked for months (and a little covered in the residue until this summer). I was on the brink of total destruction that October. Four months later, my job blew up and the char on my spirit was complete. I was a pile of ash.
I knew, I have always known, that life is change and when it feels like the bottom, there’s nothing to do but climb. I wasn’t ready to climb then, so I just clung to the bottom of the ladder and tried to stay optimistic; to let my eyes gloss over and paste the smile on when people told me how strong I was being.
But I didn’t feel strong. I felt hollow and lost. And frozen. I was scared of making any decisions. I’d chosen a man who’d made a conscious decision to hurt me, day after day, for 18 months. And I’d chosen a career path that led me to a place where 10 years of dedication turned out to be nothing compared to the whim of someone in a superior position.
Now I believe that being frozen was the only thing that shielded me from the chaos. I learned how to not make decisions. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to be patient and calm in the world. And then I learned how to rock it out and land a kick ass job that makes me want to shout, FUCK YEAH! And I learned how to let men enter my life without shifting the focus from myself. Some have floated around as background noise for a while and some are brand new, but all are reminders that I am not a pile of ash.
I’m a mother-fucking Phoenix.